I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
I have to confess that there have been a few moments after my brother’s death where I’ve wondered if letting myself love people was worth it in the end, if we all are just going to die eventually anyway. At any moment, without warning, someone else I love could be taken away from me.
Now that I know what it feels like to lose someone I’m close to, the fear of it happening again is always lurking in the shadows of my mind, ready to come forward and overwhelm me with anxiety if I don’t keep pushing it back.
What if my husband dies and leaves me widowed with two small children to raise without a daddy? What if I lose one of my sweet little girls? Just the very thought makes me panic. Would I go crazy and lose my mind? How would I ever move forward through life with that kind of loss?
Wouldn’t it just be easier to lock my heart up forever and never let it love anyone? That way I could never be hurt by the pain of losing the object of my affections. Because, as I’ve learned, the pain is real and terrible at times.
Thankfully I’m not the first person to wonder this, and C.S. Lewis, one of my favourite authors, answers all my questions perfectly in this one brilliant quote.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis The Four Loves
I know that God created us to love and be loved, to have hearts that are soft and penetrable. To feel all the emotions that we were created to feel, including sorrow and sadness. To grieve deeply means you have loved deeply. I know I need to embrace my sorrow and allow myself to feel it fully, even though it’s hard. Grief must now be a new friend that will journey with me through life.
I must learn to not fear loss, but accept it as a part of life that all humans will most likely encounter at some point in time. It is that fear that I battle most day after day. Fear that it will happen again, fear that I won’t be able to hold up under it a second time. But I know that God is always in control and that I can trust Him with my life, which He created in the first place, and with the lives of those I love the most.
In the end, love wins. So I’ll keep loving, even though it’s scary. Even though it means the possibility of pain and loss. Because love given is never wasted.
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